I would not say that I am a behind the scenes type of person. I grew up as an only child (for 13 years) and enjoyed the spotlight a whole lot! Shy would definitely not be a word people would use to describe me. Speaking in front of hundreds of people doesn't scare me. In fact, I kind of like that sort of thing. I secretly wish that I had jobs like Ryan Seacrest (I guess that isn't secretly in my head, huh?). I am a Sanguin at heart, and an extrovert to the core. I love to be right in the middle of where all the action is. The sinful pride that has such a firm foundation in my heart, loves to grab all of the glory that comes from those things. In fact, I spent much of my Christian life trying to do big showy things for God, mostly so others would notice.
But lately, I have felt sort of invisible. Because of the season of life I am in, and the ministry that God has called me to, I am not really front and center any more. I am seeing Him do some amazing things through me, but they are happening quietly, without much notice (except for in the lives God is working in of course!). However, I can honestly say that this season of my life, is by far the most free I have ever been. And while I feel like my work is small right now, I know that it is what God has for me to do. I know that because He is bearing fruit, and He is being glorified. No one is lauding me with praise, but a few are lauding Him with praise.
However, at my core, I can't help but feel like I am not doing anything important. Satan is working with my flesh to tell me that I am not very special, or gifted. I am not speaking to large crowds, I am not saving the world from Aids, I am not writing books, or sharing the gospel with hundreds of people. Heck, I am barely getting dinner on the table!!!
Then He reminds me
- That I have been praying for a humble spirit, and He is answering.
- I have prayed that He would use me according to His plans, for His glory, and He has.
- I have asked that He teach me to follow His lead, and help me to abide in Him. He is teaching me.
- I have asked that He would increase and that I would increase. I believe that is happening.
- I have asked Him to remind me that my worth is not in my accomplishments, but in His Son, and remind me He does.
As I was thinking through these things I remembered the words shared at a recent bible study:
- Little character + Little spiritual depth = Little assignments
- My job is not to bear fruit, or make things happen, but to be sharp and ready for when He calls me to something, whether it be big or small!
I believe that in this season of my life is one where God is growing me in both Character and spiritual depth. I am so controlled by pride and insecurity, and He is dealing with that. He is rebuilding some of what was lost or never built during my childhood, and tearing down idols so that spiritual depth has room to take root in my life.
My job at this time is simply to seek Him. To allow His word, by His Spirit to sharpen me, so that I am ready for whatever He wants to do through me. My prayer is that He would give me His perspective on the works that He has set aside for me to do, and that I would do them with a deep desire out of His love. Maybe one day there will be some "big tasks" or maybe there won't be. My prayer is that my focus would not be on those tasks but on bringing Him glory and enjoying Him forever!